I should probably get started on these blogposts I have promised. I will warn you, I WILL use this as a platform to spew. Like a journal… It’s my space to spew love or sadness or disgust and there’s no telling whats a spewing!
I would like to clarify that this blog is for me. I want to document this amazing thing happening to me. Or FOR me.
I am happy if my thoughts spewed into a blog help or appeal to anyone that reads them but really, I want to look back and see how this transformation happened. I am already in awe looking back at how very different I was only 5 years ago.
Today I am mother of six, wife to one, farmer, teacher, nurse and I am striving to discover all of ME.
I still work full time. I don’t hate that I work. But I don’t love it that I HAVE to. If only my little farm could offer some sort of financial break so that I am not constantly paycheck to paycheck. Apparently, that’s the process I am to endure. Or perhaps that is the victimhood I keep myself in… I haven’t quite figured that one out yet. I am trying to minimize the number of animals I have. I am still veryattached to all the boys so I can’t bring myself to sell any of them… that’s a joke! Perhaps insensitive… but still a joke! Anyone that knows me knows that I want to spend 24/7 with all my family. I never want them to be away from me or me from them. It’s crazy, I’m sure.
I do hate the model of today’s western healthcare (sickcare). I feel a call to heal and being a nurse doesn’t do that. Being a nurse, I am just making money. I am just showing up and doing what I am told to do and try to help people think I am making them better. But, I’m not. I know that and it hurts a little. They don’t know. They aren’t aware that this system keeps them sick and sucks the life and soul out of them. The doctors don’t know it either. That makes me angry. How can they not know?! How can they enter this profession, accrue all that debt and then not know that they are making people MORE sick? Or sick in different ways. It’s all just too bad. At the end of the day. We need this stupid substance called money to fuel the lives we think we have. Seriously… what in the fuck are we actually doing here.
Well, I need money to feed my children and farm animals. To pay my bills and pay the bank back for “my” house. So for now, I will continue to do what I am doing. I have made strides in the right direction. Yes, I work for the federal government so that’s weird. I quit working critical care. That was a big change and I didn’t see the positivity it would bring into my life as it was happening. I was able to transform my nursing career into my nursing job which is exactly what I needed to do to see that what I want is to get out of it! Ha! I have since been able to stop working nights which was killing my physical body and inhibiting me from performing optimally for my family on my days at home. That’s HUGE. I almost, ALMOST got another job in nursing administration and that might have been catastrophic. For the first time in my adult life, I interviewed for a position and didn’t get it. That stung. But NOW I see, and I am so grateful of how things are today. Things are the way they should be. That’s my mantra lately and it’s an ok one for my life right now. I don’t need huge shifts or changes for my joy to continue to abound. I just need to be. Be as I am right now, with things the way they are.
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