IM HERE!- (This one is kinda for Hayley)

As I sit and ponder about why I haven't posted to my my blog in so long and what I could possibly post about first, I realize that the entire reason that I started to blog is being ignored. I WANT to document my life. So.... Here is for myself and anyone else (Hayley) that anxiously checks my blog. An outline of post to come by the end of August! *May- Vacation to Virginia *May- Calvin's 2nd birthday! *June- Athan's appointment *July- School *July- Damen's 9th birthday So, be patient, these posts will come. Maybe even all at once:)

Call me Mrs. Crohn's



Pre Crohn's 2008


Crohn’s disease is an ongoing disorder that causes inflammation of the digestive tract, also referred to as the gastrointestinal (GI) tract. It can affect any area of the GI tract, from the mouth to the anus, but is more commonly found in the end of the small bowel (ileum) and the beginning of the large intestine (colon).

The damaging inflammation resulting from Crohn’s may cause pain and may make the intestines empty frequently, resulting in diarrhea. Crohn’s is one of the inflammatory bowel diseases.  
Unlike UC, which affects only the colon, Crohn’s can affect the entire digestive tract, with normal, healthy bowel found between sections of diseased bowel.

Truth be told, in my house, I am Mrs. Crohn's for probably 1/3-1/2 of the year. "Flare ups" are a process that consume weeks and months of my husband's precious time. Each flare weighs heavier on his spirit as I know he hopes that with the last flare ending, he was cured. There is no cure.He has been through 6 medications to try and get a grip on the inflammatory process in his body. Each of which have caused havoc on his other systems including his thyroid (now needs another medication because it is low) his liver and pancreas (has to keep a close eye because he now has fatty liver disease and high blood sugars).


In the hospital with his first BAD flare. This was his 25th birthday.



The first line of medications in steroids (not the muscle building kind) while these reduce the inflammation, they have more side effects than I could possible talk about in one post.  I have heard more than once "I would rather they cut out my guts then go back on steroids". I know he means that. The steroids that keep him from sleeping and give him an unsatisfiable appetite, subsequently gaining weight. They lower his immune system so that he basically constantly has a chest cold while he is on them.  The steroids drive the calcium out of his bones causing osteoporosis. At one point he was told not to fall down because his bones were so brittle that he was likely to break his neck.

He has been through 5 Gastroenterologists, 3 primary care doctors and one naturopath. He is scared to ask for pain medication when he needs it because of the doctors that have made him feel like he is abusing them (thanks to all the narcotic addicts out there, there is a stigma). We have paid thousands of dollars into this disease and have an immense amount of debt.  He is embarrassed of his disease. He did NOTHING to cause it.

Last month, still on steroids from Nov. 2012 Flare.

I'm sure if Colt knew this information was publicly displayed on my blog, he would get upset and ask me to take it off. However, there are too many people that are critical of me and of him and of us! These people ought to be educated on what we have gone through, what we are going through.

There arises the questions and speculations, (gotta love these!)

Q: If you would have known that he had Crohn's....

A: I didn't know and I'm assuming that there is a reason for that. I know now and I love him anyway. I vowed in sickness and health and I meant it.

Q: Why do you put up with.....

A: Imagine that for a month, you are sick as a dog with parvo. In the bathroom 70% of the time and in CONSTANT pain. Now, for a month, you are reducing your pain and bathroom trips but the medication you are taking keeps you awake for days on end, makes you super emotional and constantly hungry. You are gaining weight at a crazy rate and you have a chronic chest cold. POOF! ALL BETTER, no pain, less diarrhea and no meds. But after 2-3 months of this sick life, are you able to go back to your old routine right away? Hurry up! Lose that extra 20 pounds you just gained! Move around the house like you haven't been laid up for months! Go back to work (if your job will take you back)!

Speculation: He is faking/exaggerating.

My reaction: Really?! I have seen way too much of his disease to think that he is faking or exaggerating any of it. I mean, of all the diseases you could fake, why choose one that puts you on the toilet for half the day. If you really think this of him, I invite you to come stay at my house for a week next time he gets sick. Don't leave his side. Then tell me that you could handle the disease any better than he does.

Sometimes, I am sick of carrying everything. Sometimes, I'm tired of being the glue. I would prefer to be Velcro and hold half. You catch my drift right? Colt and I were placed in each other's lives for a reason. I was meant to be his wife and I know that with all my heart. In times that I am tired and want to blame him for my heavy load, I must remind myself of his load. And in addition to this, he has the guilt of not being an "equal half". He doesn't get the pleasure that I do. At least with my load, I'm helping the people I love. We have yet to find the reason, if any that he was cursed with this disease. We have yet to see that rainbow through this rain of hopes and disappointments. I strongly urge anyone that has input, to put your self in Colt's situation, or mine. If you can't, take me up on my offer and come see it for yourself.

 You don't get to pick the cards you are dealt but its up to you how you play your hand.

3/9/2013 00:39:29=5k

I didn't publicise it too much but I signed up for my first ever 5k a couple months ago. I was to run on team named for the daughter of a girl I went to high school with that has been fighting Leukemia. My heart breaks to think of what this little girl goes through every day and for her parents that wake each morning not knowing what the day has in store for their daughters health.
For my own reasons, I wanted to run. I wanted to have a reason to train. I have never officially run in a race. I did, however use to run 3.2 miles to/from work in Payson on a regular basis.....2 &1/2 years ago. I have been wanting to make the plunge and sign on for a 5k for a long time. I just thought once I actually committed to it, I would train....
Me? Plan ahead? NO! I procrastinate everything in life, even training. I was working out 3 or 4 days a week prior to this and the boot-camp style workouts just exhausted me so that I did not have the energy to go outside and run! I timed myself once 40 minutes I got 2.7 miles. UGH! I just knew that I was going to suck at this run. I just knew that I was going to be walking with a little jogging. But... "It's OK" I thought. This will be my first time to beat. As long as I improve my time at my next race.
Let it be known that I have some cardiac issues. Not really sure what the issue is but the cardiologist decided to call it "Exercise induced Supra-ventricular tachycardia". What this really means is that when I work out, my heart races up to 210 beats per minute! 160 beats per minute without even trying hard. This makes working out a scary thing for me because I know I am making my heart work too hard but I don't know if I am ever going to improve it if I don't get some cardio!
My plan for my race was to try and pace myself but to jog only until my heart rate hits 195, then walk until it gets below 160 then jog again.In the little bit of training I did, my heart rate was typically 190 within 3 minutes of jogging.  It was an oddly cold, wet morning. My joints were so stiff. I told myself, I would walk for the first 5 minutes to get warmed up and then start my jogging intervals from there. I never once thought "I'm tired" or, "my heart is too fast" or "I have to walk for a little bit"  I walked for 5 minutes, and then some how, jogged for 34minutes 29seconds my heart rate staying between 188-196 the whole time. I don't know how or why I was able to do this. 5 minutes of jogging passed, I told myself '5 more minutes, this is fine'. Then after ten minutes I knew I could do ten more. After 20 minutes I became an expert at lowering my heart rate with my thoughts! I was going to FINISH jogging. I am 5'2 with a long torso. This leaves me with a short stride. My jog is rate is between 5 &5.5 mph. Not fast, but tell my heart that!
I told Colt not to come because of the weather. I crossed that finish line and with my adrenaline pumping...realized that because I under-estimated my ability, no one was there to share my moment with me(I kinda wanted to cry). But as I walked around, to let my heart rate lower slowly, I had a moment of actualization that I don't think I would have been able to enjoy if I were not alone. I realized that I was able to tell my heart to slow down several times over those 34 minutes and it responded.
Now I have a time to beat and I am hungry to do it! I am convinced that my heart, mind, body, life will do what I tell it to do. This isa beginning for me. A beginning to new and wonderful things happening to me. Please, watch my transformation and apply the same principles in your life. Positive thoughts=positive outcomes.

what I can do....

I can't feed the world's hungry.
I can't create world peace.
I can't hold every abandoned, starving, or dying child and tell them that I love them.
I can't make people change.
I can't Cure my husband's Crohns.
I can't stop my boys from growing up.
I can't make any body in my house clean more.
I can't make anyone be a better parent.
I can't get utilities for free.
I can't make Doctors care more than they want to. Not about my patients. Not about my family.
I can't make Athan understand that his life is great.
I can't decide when anyone dies.
I can't make medication work.
I can't make people change.
I can't make enough money.
I can't understand why anyone, would ever hurt a child.
I can't have anymore than 24 hours in a day.
I can't have a regular sleep schedule.
I can't change any one's life, not even mine.



I can do the dishes.
I can do the laundry.
I can feed my children three meals a day (most of the time)
I can take a bath at night if I have the energy.
I can go to work full time and make enough money to support my family.
I can teach third and first grade.
I can kiss each one of my kids every day and tell them how much I love them.
I can control whether or not I have any more children.
I can choose to "keep" my husband, and love him.
I can feel secure in my marriage.
I can turn on the water and the lights.
I can trust my husband with all my heart.
I can go to bed at night and fall asleep, stay asleep through the night.
I can find a balance between work and family and do my best to leave each at the door when I transition.
I can hold my head up and do what needs to be done in any situation.
I can see my siblings and parents as often as I can.
I can adapt, evolve, change as life needs me to.
I can look into a person's eyes and see who they are.
I can have the best life, today, right now.
I can do all these things, by myself if I have to, like I have had to so many times.


These are a few of the things that run through my head, at midnight when I realize that Colt is too sick to do the dishes before bed like we planned. I had just gotten out of a relaxing bath, was ready for bed, then I saw the sink, and looked at my poor husband curled up on the couch. I was angry. At him, at his disease, at my life. Then, I realized. That being angry or sad was dumb. I am not the one curled up in a ball from pain, nor do I want to be. I would rather do the dishes. Why do we waste our emotions on such petty things? What's the use of getting so upset over a sink full of dishes? I strive that one day, I do not have to have this talk with myself.

I have another son! Kinda:)

As if we were not blessed enough with our 3 perfect boys, our friends Glenn and Des asked us to be God-parents to their little boy, Devon.

Wait a minute....In the case of your untimely death or debilitation, you would like Colt and myself to raise your son? What I wanted to say is, 'are you sure?' but what I did say was, 'of coarse!!!' We absolutely love Glenn and Des. Taking care of their son would be something we would do without asking. I must say however, it came as a bit of a surprise to me that anyone would want to make such things legal. "There was never any question, If we can't raise our son, we want you guys to." I am so honored. AND LUCKY!

Thanks Guys! Love you!

Do I have to celebrate Valentines Day?

I choose to post things on my blog that may otherwise upset the greater population of Facebook. So, if the fact that I do not wish to celebrate Valentines day upsets you, too bad! But thanks for reading my blog :)

Colt and I actually started dating a couple days before Valentines Day. Our first kiss took place 2/13/2002. The following day, one of his best friends died. He was my very sad Valentine. The next year, he and I were both working, Colt in Phoenix, me in Payson.  We did a great job at being long distance lovers but couldn't figure out how to get together that day. I think that's when I decided that I really, honestly didn't care whether we celebrated the holiday or not.

Do I wish that Colt would be more romantic sometimes? Sure! But do I want the Calender to tell him when he should be? No! I really do not like to commercialize my marriage. I don't need flowers, or chocolate, or jewelry or anything to confirm my Husband's feelings for me. He really does a great job showing me he loves me on a very regular and steady basis.

That's it! That's my rant!

Complicated

One night while working in Payson, the 75 year old nurse I was working with asked me; "Do you choose to complicate every aspect of your life?" I giggled when she asked then after thinking briefly, I answered "only the ones worth complicating". I ponder both her question and my response often.

I work full time, nights. I don't keep a night shift schedule I flip flop on my days off. This is complicated! But... I do it so that I can sleep with my husband because I like to! Only sleeping a couple hours after working all night when I have the next night off allows me to spend time with my boys that I wouldn't be able to spend if I worked day shift. Worth it! Especially while my body allows me to do so.

I started having kids at 19, with no college education. oops! Obviously I didn't mind because I had 2 before I was 21 and just starting college. You know what? Damen and Athan were born exactly when they were suppose to be! I don't care what kind of rules Colt and I broke, they are worth it!

I was never happy with a B in college. Working full time, raising a toddler and infant, and coping with an actually (soon to be chronically) ill husband, I could not be satisfied with a stinkin B! - Dumb! I should have cherished each and every B I earned. Now that I'm working, I realize that my As were just as good as my Bs. NOT worth it!

In my already complicated daily life, I decided to make dinner even more complicated by becoming a vegetarian. It was a decision made based on my poor health genetics. Hoping that finding protein in other sourced will help me to avoid some of the ailments that plague my parents. Hopefully worth it!

After going back and forth over the last year, I am home-schooling the boys again. Ultimately, I'm convinced this will be worth it. It is tough having them home all the time when I know other parents are getting a "break". Not that I want to ship my kids out the door 8 hours a day/5 days a weeks. But... every once in a while, a couple hours would be ok. I'm invested in homeschooling my kids. I couldn't sleep the nights Damen and Athan were born (Calvin,  I did but it was magnesium induced!). I held my brand new baby in my arms and I could do nothing but stare into his face and wonder "what sort of man will you become". Over the years, I have done this repeated times, some times, in fear that I would not like the answer. Sometimes, in fear that I would not get the day to see them turn into men. I  have these fears and they stay far in the back of my mind clouded by my absolute unconditional love for them. In front of these fears, I am comforted by my intuition. I am very in tune with my sixth sense and I have seen time and time again that it was given to me for protection. I do not appreciate when I am told that this intuition is ludicrous. I realize that there are many people raising their children with irrational fears. Maybe I am one of them. All I know is that I am not willing to ignore that gnawing feeling inside of me each and every day I drop my kids off at school. That feeling of "something isn't right." Every one has that feeling from time to time. I was having it every Monday through Friday from 7am to 3:30pm. NOT COOL. My children were coming home from a 8 hour day at school with an hour of homework and an evening of stress. They were being un-naturally yanked out of their warm beds before the sun came up and rushed to be ready on time to leave for a place they did not like. NOT COOL. They were bringing home tests with big Fs on them. Tests that were not on subjects that they were being given homework for. I had no idea what was going on with my children for 40 hours of the week! On top of that I work 36 hours (most of which they are sleeping). I was separated from my children for nearly 50% of their time and I was seeing no social or educational benefit. I was letting half the time I was given with my children, as children, go. The time I was blessed with to help shape them into men, slipping through my fingers. So, I complicated things. Homeschooling=Worth it.

There are so many other things I complicate. I really try to evaluate whether or not it is worth complicating. I'm not a glutton for punishment. I am obsessed with improvement. I am shooting for the stars in hopes that I will someday, reach them . I will always be judged, sometimes appropriately. Sometimes blindly. Either way, I will complicate, and be loved for it by who matters.

2012....Where did it go?

Here it is.... It has been a long time coming!
As many of you may recall. Last January I made several resolutions. I accomplished many and continue to work on the rest. I refuse to pick them apart. I will work on me this year. That is all I can truly work on. My day to day actions and everything else will follow. Instead of silly resolutions, I decided to put up some pictures of my fantastic year.

January....



Shopping , they loved sitting in the basket together, despite the look on Athan's face.



February.....

Calvin crawled before he got any teeth. He crawled in our new house on Bonita. We said goodbye to our rental of over 4 years. The boys are still sad that they no longer live next to the Whaley's. 5 adorable little girls that became a part of their every day lives.



Athan's 6th birthday, before school



Student of the month

House on Corral

March.....

What a CRAZY month! Started out with moving, then I took a quick trip to Virginia with Mom and Calvin to get some very much needed sister time! Only to come home to a Daddy with a subdural hematoma. Poor daddy! He helped Colt with Damen and Athan and even picked Mom and me up at the airport! All the while, his head pounding because of the bleed. Dad spent a week a St. Joes after having a very scary hematoma evacuation. I made several trips to the hospital to see him, that's what I do!



In Mike's military heli hanger,
sitting  in a HUGE helicopter!



Virginia Beach

Calvin loving the wind from the ocean

April....

Baby Cora



Damen had a field trip to the Goat farm in Strawberry. He INSISTED that he needed full cowboy attire. Athan follows:)



We adopted Cora from on of Mom's litters. She has a personality all her own. She snuggles Athan at night which is nice because he missed Baby doing that. We got a little more comfortable in our new home... OK too comfortable... began to feel the walls cave in. TOO SMALL!

May....

Athan graduated Kindergarten and Calvin turned 1! Calvin finally got one tooth!

Kindergarten Promotion

June...
This was kind of Athan's month. We had a bit of a psychiatric awakening with our little guy when one of his "tantrums" turned into self inflicted violence. We know that we have a long road ahead of us but, we are in it for the long haul. We eliminated wheat and greatly restricted dairy in his diet and HOLY COW! What a different child he can be. We still have days where we have to fight with him (verbally and sometimes physically) but.. it's all looking up. He is as sweet as ever and if he knew that I made his issues public he would be heart broken. He is a tender heart. He dislikes himself when he loses control. We are working on it.


Athan has fallen asleep in the shower a few times. Weird!




July...

Kids went back to school. This is not a happy day for me. As crazy as those kids drive me on a regular basis, I miss them so very much when they are in school. I love love love them and their little attitudes!

First day of first (Athan) and third (Damen and Gwen)

HEHE

Damen's 8th

August...

I randomly had started filling out applications around the valley in late July. My way of playing the game of fate. I filled out 6 apps all across the area from Queen creek to Deer Valley. I got a call in early August (my only application response) from my most favored hospital John C. Lincoln. They wanted to interview me for a place in their CCU (Critical Care Unit). It is an ICU that also recovers open-heart surgery patients. I went, I interviewed, They wanted me! I accepted to position and the start date early in September.

Later that month, our poor Buddy was hit by a car in front of our house and I took him to be put down. We buried him at "Grandma's house" next to Bingo. :( sad, sad family.

Saying Good Bye to Buddy the cat:(

Boys randomly deciding to watch
the sunset



Athan took a little bit extra
 time at Buddy's Grave

Damen earning his yellow belt!

September...

This is the month I said good bye to my job at PRMC. I was ready for growth with my nursing career beyond what the small town hospital could offer me.

I started my new and improved job at JCL Deer Valley in the Critical Care Unit. This means that for the month of September, I was driving back and forth to work 1 hour and 45 minutes 3 or 4 days a week. AND PACKING TO MOVE AGAIN! No pictures this month!

October...

New house! Our first time living in a house that actually fits all of us. 4 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms.  Andy moved into the house that we are "buying" in Payson which is perfect for his family of 3. I searched and decided on a charter school for the boys called Adams Traditional Academy. Class sizes were a little smaller than the public schools and the school's motto revolved around parental involvement. The boy's had to adjust to the whole uniform idea. Handsome!
Colt started flaring with his Crohns shortly after our move. Never ever something any of us are prepared to deal with but... we are too blessed to complain.

Colt cut off the tip of his finger while
chopping an onion. Ew.

Athan's own room

Zombie and Military dude.....dumb

Cutest monkey ever!

Boy's starting a new Quarter at a new school Adams Traditional
Academy. 

It was as good as I could do. You can kinda see them all in there.

Loosing teeth all the time

November....

Visit from family! The Greenstreets and Hillary came to Arizona! We spent some much needed time as a whole family and I loved every minute of it. I feel like I have a special bond to each one of my individual sisters. It is truly great!

YAY for sister time!!!!

After hiking natural bridge with the Greenstreets and Hillary

December.....

ahhhh, Christmas month. The month that I get to threaten my boy's with he good ol naughty list. I think this might be Santa's last year for the big boys. WAY too many questions this year for believers.

The REAL Santa!

Calvin and Aunt Heather



Christmas day family photo. Damen and Colt look so good in this picture. That's about all....



You can live without me

"I don't know how I would live without you" That is the text message my dear husband sent me after consoling one of his friends after losing his soul mate in a car accident. This of course while very sweet, was discerning to me. While I don't want him to sit around and think about how he would be able to live day to day without me, I certainly want him to know that he must.

Colt,
We plan on growing old together but it isn't our plan to make. I firmly believe that when I leave earth it will be because I was ready and knew that you would be OK without me. Your time in this life without me will just be a breath compared to the time we will share beyond this life. During our time together, we made plenty of couples jealous. There are so many people that go through their lives looking for what we have, never to find it. I consider us both very lucky for having each other for the time that we have had. With your loving heart, I know you can find love again. I know there is a person that would be honored to spend their life with you in my absence. I hope you would allow that person into your heart and into our boy's lives.

Together, we have created three of the most beautiful boys I could ever dream of calling my sons. They are my most treasured accomplishment. For them you would have to go on. Through them, I will always live on. Whether I die at 100 or tomorrow, I know I have done right in my life when I look into their eyes. They are my purpose for living. Thank you for creating them with me.

I love you so very much. More than words could ever describe. From the moment I let you into my heart it has only grown stronger. I could never ask for anyone to love me more. If I am not able to be here every morning to wake you by kissing the back of your neck, know that I will be watching over you.
Your Soul Mate
Amantha Nielson

Damen,
You made me a Mommy. From the moment I knew that you were growing in my belly, I knew what my purpose was. I plan on watching you graduate high school and college, get married and have children of you own. That is not my plan to make. I promise that I try, every day that I am blessed with my life, with your life, to make that day count. To make that day we have together bring happiness into your life. Don't ever lose you happy spirit, or your kind heart. Never change your passion for all things to be fair. Please don't grow up too quickly. I love you son. I will always be with you whether I live on this world or in the next.
Mommy

Athan,
God gave you too me when I least expected it. I wouldn't have it any other way. You have taught me more about being Real, and Kind, and opened my eyes to what awaits us beyond this life. I have never held more intelligent conversations with a 4 year old as with you. You have always had a window into another realm and I hope you never let the light quit shining into that window. I wish I knew how to make you stay a boy forever as I know that is what your heart desires. Just remember, you will always be my baby. No matter how old you grow, I will see that little boy spirit in you. Your charm eluminates from your face and always has. Please don't be bitter with the world. Appreciate your blessings, live for right now, not yesterday or tomorrow. I love you. You know that my spirit will live on.
Mommy

Calvin,
Thank you for becoming my son. I had no idea what joy you would bring into our lives until you arrived. I feel like I bonded with you before you were ever born due to our "pep talks" that I would have with you about not coming too early. You're little 4 pound body weighed in heavy in all our hearts. I am so lucky to have you complete "My Boys". You know just what look to give someone who is feeling down and you have always known when Mommy, Daddy or one of your brothers needed a hug. I love you with all of my heart. I hope with all my heart I am given the opportunity to be your Mama until you are an old man but if I'm not, I am blessed to have been a part of your life for as long as I have today.
Mama

While this maybe viewed as morbid. I find great comfort in knowing that these words will be here for the ones that would be affected most if I am to leave this life earlier than planned. I hope that those of you that read my blog would help My Boys to be the men that I have intended on raising them to be. Help Colt. He can do it, he just has to believe he can. I love each and everyone of you and I promise that I live my life to appreciate every moment I have with you.