Complicated

One night while working in Payson, the 75 year old nurse I was working with asked me; "Do you choose to complicate every aspect of your life?" I giggled when she asked then after thinking briefly, I answered "only the ones worth complicating". I ponder both her question and my response often.

I work full time, nights. I don't keep a night shift schedule I flip flop on my days off. This is complicated! But... I do it so that I can sleep with my husband because I like to! Only sleeping a couple hours after working all night when I have the next night off allows me to spend time with my boys that I wouldn't be able to spend if I worked day shift. Worth it! Especially while my body allows me to do so.

I started having kids at 19, with no college education. oops! Obviously I didn't mind because I had 2 before I was 21 and just starting college. You know what? Damen and Athan were born exactly when they were suppose to be! I don't care what kind of rules Colt and I broke, they are worth it!

I was never happy with a B in college. Working full time, raising a toddler and infant, and coping with an actually (soon to be chronically) ill husband, I could not be satisfied with a stinkin B! - Dumb! I should have cherished each and every B I earned. Now that I'm working, I realize that my As were just as good as my Bs. NOT worth it!

In my already complicated daily life, I decided to make dinner even more complicated by becoming a vegetarian. It was a decision made based on my poor health genetics. Hoping that finding protein in other sourced will help me to avoid some of the ailments that plague my parents. Hopefully worth it!

After going back and forth over the last year, I am home-schooling the boys again. Ultimately, I'm convinced this will be worth it. It is tough having them home all the time when I know other parents are getting a "break". Not that I want to ship my kids out the door 8 hours a day/5 days a weeks. But... every once in a while, a couple hours would be ok. I'm invested in homeschooling my kids. I couldn't sleep the nights Damen and Athan were born (Calvin,  I did but it was magnesium induced!). I held my brand new baby in my arms and I could do nothing but stare into his face and wonder "what sort of man will you become". Over the years, I have done this repeated times, some times, in fear that I would not like the answer. Sometimes, in fear that I would not get the day to see them turn into men. I  have these fears and they stay far in the back of my mind clouded by my absolute unconditional love for them. In front of these fears, I am comforted by my intuition. I am very in tune with my sixth sense and I have seen time and time again that it was given to me for protection. I do not appreciate when I am told that this intuition is ludicrous. I realize that there are many people raising their children with irrational fears. Maybe I am one of them. All I know is that I am not willing to ignore that gnawing feeling inside of me each and every day I drop my kids off at school. That feeling of "something isn't right." Every one has that feeling from time to time. I was having it every Monday through Friday from 7am to 3:30pm. NOT COOL. My children were coming home from a 8 hour day at school with an hour of homework and an evening of stress. They were being un-naturally yanked out of their warm beds before the sun came up and rushed to be ready on time to leave for a place they did not like. NOT COOL. They were bringing home tests with big Fs on them. Tests that were not on subjects that they were being given homework for. I had no idea what was going on with my children for 40 hours of the week! On top of that I work 36 hours (most of which they are sleeping). I was separated from my children for nearly 50% of their time and I was seeing no social or educational benefit. I was letting half the time I was given with my children, as children, go. The time I was blessed with to help shape them into men, slipping through my fingers. So, I complicated things. Homeschooling=Worth it.

There are so many other things I complicate. I really try to evaluate whether or not it is worth complicating. I'm not a glutton for punishment. I am obsessed with improvement. I am shooting for the stars in hopes that I will someday, reach them . I will always be judged, sometimes appropriately. Sometimes blindly. Either way, I will complicate, and be loved for it by who matters.