Sometimes I don't appreciate my "aha" moments. Like when they are regarding myself and why I do some things that I do. I cracked open a fortune cookie yesterday and read my fortune. "On attachment: the harder you hold on, the less you have." We will get back to that.
I was watching the most interesting documentary the other day about a family located somewhere in Asia. The nearest school for children older than 10, is 60 miles away. In order for children to get an education, they have to travel over an icy river and leave their families for 6 months of the year. The journey takes 6 days one way, walking!
How blessed are we that we have the right to take our children to school and pick them up everyday. I don't have to kiss my 10 year old goodbye for 6 months for the sake of getting an education. I have spent countless hours complaining about the educational system in this country (especially Arizona) and everything that is wrong with it. Watching that documentary, truly humbled me. 
Some people say, I'm over protective of the boys. It doesn't bother me that people think that. They are mine and mine to raise and I will protect them how I please. The day Damen was born, as I stared at him all night, I thought to my self; I am responsible to raise this baby and make sure that he turns out to be the best adult he can be. What pressure! I have done my best (most of the time) to be sure that my children get the best I can give them. Sometimes, that means they might be a little more protected than other children. So what! If the worst thing I do to them is protect them too much, I can live with that.
So there has come the time with Damen being 7 and Athan 5, that I have had to ask myself if what I am doing is protecting them or being too attached. The truth is, I am extremely anxious if my kids are not with me. I just do not feel like anyone can look after them the way I can. I'm sure this is not true, but try and tell my anxious psyche that. What I am realizing now is that I CAN'T protect them from everything. Therefore, I need to learn how to not only protect but to be available to them after the trauma of the things I could not shelter them from rather than search for blame in why they were not protected in the first place. I have to teach them how to handle situations that they will commonly encounter as adolescents and adults. If I fail at that, my boys will end up as followers in this wicked world, rather than the leaders I have always envisioned them to be. I am denying them the opportunity to learn because I am too afraid for them to cross the icy river.
A simple fortune cookie started this look inside myself. It told me that the harder I hold on to my children being innocent children, that is what they will always be. And the less I will have because I will one day know that I did not prepare them for life. I gotta quit eating Chinese!
Or eat MORE Chinese food- if it allows you to analyze things like this. I'm happy you've realized something about yourself and are happy to loosten the leash a little bit, while still protecting your family. You are a great mom, and an even better worry-er. Its ok to worry, as long as you know the lines :)
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