On Attatchment

Sometimes I don't appreciate my "aha" moments. Like when they are regarding myself and why I do some things that I do. I cracked open a fortune cookie yesterday and read my fortune. "On attachment: the harder you hold on, the less you have." We will get back to that.

I was watching the most interesting documentary the other day about a family located somewhere in Asia. The nearest school for children older than 10, is 60 miles away. In order for children to get an education, they have to travel over an icy river and leave their families for 6 months of the year. The journey takes 6 days one way, walking!

How blessed are we that we have the right to take our children to school and pick them up everyday. I don't have to kiss my 10 year old goodbye for 6 months for the sake of getting an education. I have spent countless hours complaining about the educational system in this country (especially Arizona) and everything that is wrong with it. Watching that documentary, truly humbled me.

Some people say, I'm over protective of the boys. It doesn't bother me that people think that. They are mine and mine to raise and I will protect them how I please. The day Damen was born, as I stared at him all night, I thought to my self; I am responsible to raise this baby and make sure that he turns out to be the best adult he can be. What pressure! I have done my best (most of the time) to be sure that my children get the best I can give them. Sometimes, that means they might be a little more protected than other children. So what! If the worst thing I do to them is protect them too much, I can live with that.

So there has come the time with Damen being 7 and Athan 5, that I have had to ask myself if what I am doing is protecting them or being too attached. The truth is, I am extremely anxious if my kids are not with me. I just do not feel like anyone can look after them the way I can. I'm sure this is not true, but try and tell my anxious psyche that. What I am realizing now is that I CAN'T protect them from everything. Therefore, I need to learn how to not only protect but to be available to them after the trauma of the things I could not shelter them from rather than search for blame in why they were not protected in the first place. I have to teach them how to handle situations that they will commonly encounter as adolescents and adults. If I fail at that, my boys will end up as followers in this wicked world, rather than the leaders I have always envisioned them to be. I am denying them the opportunity to learn because I am too afraid for them to cross the icy river.

A simple fortune cookie started this look inside myself. It told me that the harder I hold on to my children being innocent children, that is what they will always be. And the less I will have because I will one day know that I did not prepare them for life. I gotta quit eating Chinese!

All Natural

So my latest "thing" has been eliminating chemicals from my family's day to day life. These chemicals include artificial colors and flavors in foods. Over the last few years, since Athan has shown "behavioral issues", I have asked his pediatrician for advice and he has always geared my towards his diet. For some unknown reason, just in the last month I have actually tried to eliminate artificials from his diet in hopes that his behavior might improve. Rather than singling out Athan for the change, our whole family tried it (Calvin counts because he drinks what I consume).

I was very nervous for my first shopping trip. In Payson we don't have a Trader Joes or Sprouts so I went thinking I was going to only be able to get a few things and my grocery bill would be outrageous. I was so wrong! There is an All Natural option for everything. I am saving money. I am having to go grocery shopping more often but we don't waste money on fast food or quick snacks. I have noticed a huge difference in Athan AND Damen. Damen seems to hear me more often and Athan's mood swings are way less volatile. The best part....I feel great! I have lost 5 pounds and I'm not even doing anything really different. Colt's Crohns acts up way less often. Calvin spits up less.

The more I think about the concept, the more it makes sense. Our bodies may not be poisoned by these FDA approved chemicals but that doesn't mean that out body doesn't react to them.

There is a downside. Getting the rest of the world on board. I seem like a hippy or a freak I'm sure. Just the other day when having dinner at a friend's house, Damen announced (because that's what he does) that he could not eat anything with artificial flavors or colors. Well one of the middle aged, guests that was also having dinner at this house, had a hay day harassing my children about it. "Hey can you eat that?!" He would say "are you sure there are no artificial colors or flavors in there?" it was really cute. A man in his mid 50s giving a 7 and 5 year old a hard time about their diet restrictions. What if they were allergic dude!? Well it just so happened that this guy was probably only 5 feet tall. Just a wee man ha! So I politely said to the boys in front of him "Mommy doesn't like for you to eat those artificials so that you can grow up to be healthy and strong! and tall..." (haha take that wee man!) I know I shouldn't have but come on! Besides the vertically challenged man, there will be other hurdles. Birthday parties, Halloween, School treats ect. But we will continue one day at a time until the world catches up.

I didn't have any pictures to go with this post about food so enjoy some silliness!

This one in particular is zoomed in. It was actually and nice family picture with all the Scott kids one Christmas. Nice Athan.

The Story of Calvin

First of all, I apologize for the photo quality....these are all uploaded from my phone. But, I cannot complain because it is super cool that I can blog from my phone so I will take what I can get!

Of my three perfect boys, Calvin is the one that we...anticipated. Athan was getting ready to start school, I was finished with college, had my career underway and the timing seemed right. Besides, I had decided that since I started having children at age 19, I wanted to be done by age 30 and I knew I wanted more so, what were we waiting for?

With in 2 weeks of "trying" to get pregnant, I was! I could not believe that after 4 &1/2 years of birth control, I was able to conceive like it was nothing! I truly know that I am blessed! I had decided to re check a pregnancy test that I had taken (and was negative) two days previously and low and behold...a faint positive line! So I preceded to take test after test until the line was dark enough that I couldn't deny it. First to know? HAYLEY! about an hour later, Colt :)

Due to some weird, sharp pains I was having, I went in for an ultrasound. I believed I was about 9 weeks or so. There was no fetus on the scan. The jerky ultrasound tech told me that I had not made a baby and to go home a wait to have a miscarriage. I went home, cried in the driveway to myself a little then went inside to tell Colt. I called my mom and my sisters and cried a little more. Then I decided to do what I always do when I want answers: research. My research kept leading me to stories of women who were told the same thing only to find a fetus on a later scan. ahhhh! I was driving myself insane. I quickly got off the Internet and called my doctor. She told me to keep taking my vitamins and that I would have a repeat ultrasound in a week to "confirm diagnosis". What a week I had! But... when the week was over and I heard that lub-dup at a rate of 140, I could quit holding my breath. There he was my little Calvin. Almost saying "I'm here mommy! Don't cry any more!"

From there, things moved on like a normal pregnancy. For me however...a little more paranoid.

When we went for the ultrasound, I was actually surprised. (I KNEW with both Damen and Athan before it was confirmed) ANOTHER BOY! Damen was mad at the technologist because he wanted a sister. He said he was just going to pretend that he was having a sister anyway! Present at the ultrasound: Colt, Hayley, Chelsea, Damen and Athan.

At 25 weeks, I had the bright idea to wear 5 inch wedges. I tripped. I caught myself but, pulled something and started having painful contractions. My doctor told me that I probably suffered a small tear in my placenta from the uterine wall and the slow bleeding was causing the contractions. A week later, on my birthday, I had to have my labor stopped with a shot called turbutaline. Terrible stuff! While in the hospital, I noticed my blood pressure was awfully low and decided to keep an eye on it at home.

Four weeks later, my blood pressure changed. I wasn't low anymore. Doctor placed me on bed rest. I had no other symptoms, just the high blood pressure. For four weeks I was a model patient. At home I stayed down! Only cheating when I thought I was going to go crazy if I had to sit another minute. I got rides to the hospital twice a week for all my tests. I took all my medications, checked my blood pressure frequently ( it was always high). I got the most painful 2 shots in my rear that I have ever had! (steroids to develop Baby's lungs in case he needed to be born early.) Memorial Day weekend, I was naughty! I was up Friday night to Hayley and Dugan's post-wedding open house. Saturday I cooked breakfast for the boys, I let Colt sleep in and snuck around doing laundry. Sunday I went to Mom and Dad's for lunch and played Apples to Apples with the family.....Sunday evening I got one heck of a belly ache! After 4 hours of the pain, I asked Colt "when did you want me to tell you that epigastric pain is something that I am suppose to have checked out?" he said "four hours ago!". I was positive that the hospital would do the usual thing, blood work, ultrasound, tell me to stay off my feet and send me home. Not the case. My blood work revealed I was suffering from a condition called HELLP syndrome. A deadly condition to pregnant women in which the only cure is delivery of the baby. Payson hospital has no NICU therefore cannot deliver a baby earlier than 36 weeks gestation. I was 35 weeks, 3 days and would certainly die of organ failure if I waited 4 days. So...after getting stuck 9 times to start an IV, they started Magnesium and, I got to ride in the helicopter. NOT FUN! I am scared of heights and wobbly helicopters so I would not ever like to do that again. I arrived @ St. Joesph's Hospital at about 4am. The nurses in the High risk OB department started pitocin as soon as I got there. I told one nurse that I expected to have a baby by 3pm going on how quickly I delivered my other two. She just smiled.

Pitocin to intensify contractions+Magnesium sulfate to relax muscles= the most intense pain I have EVER experienced. Worse than a kidney infection! Colt was great. We were not 100% on a name. We agreed on Maximus but I felt bad that my preemie would always be small, with a name like Maximus, just seemed cruel. I had previously ran the name Calvin by Colt and he didn't like it, at all. I loved it and tried to convince him of it repeatedly. He always shot it down. While he squeezed my hand during my most intense pain, he said "If you really want to, we can name him Calvin." Sweet man.

At exactly 6pm, Colt almost missed it, came Calvin. He was so tiny I wanted to hold him so bad but only was able to give a quick snuggle before he was taken to be checked out. He was breathing fine, he was crying great. He was just a little cold. 4lbs, 6oz. 17 1/4 inches long.

I finally got to hold him in recovery. Oh and, the way I look in that picture is not to be discussed. I had a rough day. That night Calvin had to stay in the nursery to keep his temperature up. The thermostat on my floor was broken so my room was probably about 60 degrees. I had to stay in my room because I had to stay on the Magnesium drip for 24 hours after he was delivered. Colt stayed with me on a little cot.

The next day I demanded to be moved to another room so that my baby could visit me. My wish was granted but Calvin could not leave the nursery because he had to get a tan:) he needed the billirubin lights for 12 hours. I was able to go see him once that night. I had bad lab work and was grounded to my room until my platelets increased.

Day #3 I was doing better but silly little Calvin didn't want to eat. He wanted to sleep! So he and to get a feeding tube. Therefore was not allowed to leave the nursery. The condition in which the tube could be removed were that he not need to use it for 24 hours. In order not to use the tube he had to drink about an ounce of milk every 3 hours without spitting it up. That meant for me pumping every three hours and getting the milk to the nursery in time for his feedings so that the nurses did not give him formula ( that he liked to spit up) and then since I seemed to be the only one with enough patience, I sat in the nursery with him and fed him and burped him. At 2am he gave about 6 little sneezes and out came the tube. He didn't need it anyway!

Together at last! The next day I was able to be moved onto the regular post partum floor. I swung by the nursery on my way to my new room to inform the pediatrician that I would be sleeping in the same room as my baby and I would be taking him home the next day. He told me that Calvin could be released from the nursery but that he could not go home Friday if his weight fell below 4 lbs.

Friday He was 4lbs exactly! We were both discharged. As a family of 5, we headed home.

Damen and Athan were beside themselves with excitement! As you can see on Damen's face he had forgotten that he wanted a sister!

Calvin was such a peanut! So skinny and delicate. His skin was like an old man, saggy.

But he grew too quickly!

Calvin is by far, my sweetest baby. Just smiles and loving stares. He has warmed the heart of each member of our family. I cannot imagine my life without him.

He has now tripled in size. A 4 months old, he weighs 12lbs 5oz. He loves to sleep on his face or with a blanket covering his face. He loves his Daddy and his brothers but especially his Mommy! His forehead is ticklish and his favorite place is his changing table.

Priceless. There are no words to describe the love that fills my heart as I kiss each one of these boys goodnight.

What a title eh?!

So when I realized that there is an android app for blogger, I thought...I can finally do it! I can keep up on a blog like the ones I follow and envy all the time.
Yeah! Its my turn:)
But that's not why I named my blog what I did...As I pondered a name this popped into my head as the single most discussed topic throughout my day therefore hopefully reminding me to post. Silly yes but true! Whose turn to brush teeth first, whose turn to sit by
Calvin in the car, whose turn to play the DSI, pick the restaurant, feed the dogs, and the list goes on! But I love every minute of it!

5 1/2 years ago, at the age of 20, I brought a new baby home. To a tiny little home where a 19 month old already occupied most of my time. Between Damen's demands and my new college career, I found myself wondering... How? But every time Damen's sweet little voice said "bror" and his face lit up as he gave Athan the tiniest kisses, I knew somehow, it was possible. And it was.

I have since realized that conquering that first feat has given me too much confidence! I am constantly over doing things. Have you ever had to carry loads of wood? You know when you are loading up your bundle and you tell the person loading it on "one more piece, and one more" that's me... in life. Always trying to carry as much as possible. However, if you share this wood carrying experience with me perhaps you ran into the situation where all the wood was dropped because, you took on too much. Yeah,, that's me with life too. I don't stop though, I continue to take my load to the max, with a smile on my face. I don't think it is a bad quality of mine. I guess if I ever find out, it will be the hard way.

Today was the ending of my experience for at home learning with the boys. Damen in 2nd grade and Athan in Kindergarten, I was spending 6 hours a day, 5 days a week, on average teaching the boys through an online program. I have thoroughly enjoyed this experience! But... my load was WAY too heavy! With Calvin getting more and more busy and working night shift full time, I absolutely had to let one full time job go. And sadly, the full time teaching gig was the most reasonable to give to someone else. But the good news is, I don't have to have an anxiety attack everyday because I don't have to take the boys to the over crowded Payson school. They get to go to good ol' Pine school and they are so excited!